Cooking with Pan – Black Mountain Omelette

  • Ingredients
  • 3 Free Range Swizzard Eggs
  • 1 Small Vial of Black Spice
  • 3 Sprigs of Mountain Parsley


  1. Place all ingredients in your magical cooking device.
  2. Wait until it informs you it is ready.
  3. Enjoy at your leisure, keeping it in the magical cooking device until you do not wish to have any more. 

Directions if cooking with an inferior nonmagical device. 

  1. Whisk together 2 and 1/3 of the eggs’ whites with 2 and 7/8 of the eggs’ yolks in a large pitcher. 
  2. Add half of the Black Spice to this mixture and let sit for exactly 27 minutes.
  3. While it is resting, use a mortar and pestle to crush 2 of the sprigs of Mountain Parsley. 
  4. Add the remaining 2/3 of an egg white to this paste. 
  5. Sprinkle in the remaining Black Spice and place in a cold place for precisely 11 minutes.
  6. Place your inferior cooking device on the heat source. You must maintain exactly 134° while cooking.
  7. Begin by pouring in your pitcher of egg mixture, ensuring it has set for exactly 27 minutes.
  8. Stir continuously for 89 seconds.
  9. Add the paste, also ensuring it has been in the cold place for precisely 11 minutes, stirring to incorporate it.
  10. Continue cooking and stirring for 43 seconds.
  11. Remove pan from heat and top with remaining 1/8 egg yolk and the last spring of Mountain Parsley.
  12. Immediately remove from heat and eat quickly. It does not sit well and will go bad in under 5 minutes.

Interview – RRG(NLR)((TD))

This week I got the chance to sit down with two interesting folk. Oneshoe (Waywocket/Nackle/?) and Beregond Tealeaf of the Taman Shud Forest. Together they are the presidents of a new organization in Palisade that is fighting for Gerbil rights: Right Rights for Gerbils (Not Left Rights)((That’s Disgusting)), also known as the RRG(NLR)((TD)).

When and how was your organization founded?

Oneshoe: Our super important organization was founded a few weeks ago when I came to Palisade and saw how deeply oppressed gerbil kind is here. I knew then that things needed to change, and held our first rally. Then my co-president showed me how Left Righters we’re making it even worse for gerbil kind (gerbil-Palisadians in particular)! Some people would suggest even preforming orphan testing on gerbils first INSTEAD of humans! Unbelievable, right? 

Beregond: As she said, it was founded very recently, right here in Palisade. I had just arrived too and there was this really busy rally going on about gerbil rights and I checked it out. Next thing you know it went from a simple rally to a full fledge organization devoted primarily to the ensuring every gerbil has its right rights. Secondarily, we aim to eliminate the movement of left rights for gerbils, because they are only out for self gain off of the backs of the gerbils.

How do you each individually connect to the RRG(NLR)((TD)) movement?

Beregond: Where I come from, in the Toman Shud Forest, right rights for gerbils don’t even need to be voiced. It’s just a fact of life and nature (which is life in itself). In fact, we even have legends of great gerbils in all aspects of greatness. Warriors, mathematicians, doctors, builders, and more. Here though, the only story I have heard about the gerbils are vermin. That’s from those who aren’t aware of any rights for gerbils, anyway. Those who are supporters of the left rights fro gerbils talk a load of nonsense that I just cannot get into here.

Oneshoe: Where I’m from it’s the same; gerbils have so many right-rights that they don’t even need to be called rights. Left-rights is unheard of! The complete lack of rightness in Palisade means we have to start from the ground up.

Why are Gerbil rights so important in modern times?

Oneshoe: Gerbils are very important members of society that can help a lot! They have great ideas and are fantastic jugglers. We’d all do a lot better if they had equal authority with the rest of us. But because they’ve been so oppressed, they’re reduced to nothing more than demeaned members. That’s sad. 

Beregond: Additionally, it is the belief of some that gerbils are the wisest of all races. Whether or not that is true is hard to say as wiseness is difficult to measure, but we definitely won’t know if they’re being oppressed, will we?

What is the biggest battle facing the RRG(NLR)((TD))?

Oneshoe: I didn’t think we’d be fighting anyone but it sounds like fun! As co-president I’d like to officially say we’re open to the donation of big battles. Strictly BYOB (Bring Your Own Battle(axe)).

Beregond: I am not sure that is what she meant. Without a doubt it is the fungus that has been following us. I have been trying to ward it off with some herbal remedies but I haven’t been entirely successful thus far. I will be meditating under the next full moon to see if I can come up with a new method to rid us of it, so we’ll see how that goes. The main problems that the fungus will cause is the destruction of our signs and socks. Those are the two most crucial elements of rallies, which is our main way of spreading awareness of RRG(NLR(TD)). I guess it would also be an issue if we advance to using notices to stick around Palisade… Now, I wish to be clear, I am not suggesting that the left righters are behind the fungus, nor that the fungus is a supporter of left rights for gerbils. I believe that it is just a coincidence that we have become its target, but I will be doing some investigating in order to discover the fungus’s ulterior motive.

What has been the biggest accomplishment of the RRG(NLR)((TD))?

Beregond: We won a tavern quiz the other day. I was very proud for RRG(NLR(TD)) because it was a really difficult quiz. I’m pretty sure there was a left righter in one of the other teams, too.

Oneshoe: Plus, we’ve doubled our membership so far, and all in one day! We’re two-strong now. 

Can you expand further on the LRG movement, which you claim is disgusting?

Oneshoe: Of course! Left Rights for Gerbils want gerbil kind to have just left-rights, which completely alienates their rightful right-rights. It only furthers the oppression problem under the false banner of helping! 

Beregond: Yes, you see, we are all about the right rights for gerbils. The left righters differ from us because they are all about left rights for gerbils. Isn’t that foul?

Oneshoe: Even worse, the existence of Left-Righters muddles what good organizations like Right-Righters are trying to do, making it harder to accomplish anything at all. Are you confused? Exactly. That’s the fault of Left-Righters. If they’d get out of the way, things would be much more clear cut and we’d be able to actually get things done.

Beregond: It’s simply disgusting.

Oneshoe: It really is. But a friendly piece of advice – don’t try too hard to understand Left-Righters. That’s how they brainwash you to their side. It’s underhanded but effective. That’s how they grew to their incredible size. Three members total in six short months! Appalling. 

What do people misunderstand most about your movement?

Beregond: I’ve had a whole lot of people think that gerbils are the same as hamsters, but they’re not. I’m not saying that hamsters don’t deserve some sort of rights too, but that’s another battle for someone else. Perhaps I’ll help with that when right rights for gerbils is primarily run by the gerbils themselves.

Oneshoe: On top of that most people who do know the difference think right-rights for gerbils aren’t important, or that gerbils don’t deserve any rights – right or left. That’s terribly prejudiced thinking. 

What are your next steps as an organization?

Beregond: <*looks around and points to the right*> That way, I think.

Oneshoe: In all seriousness, spreading awareness so more people can support their local gerbils.

Is there anything else you wish people knew about RRG(NLR)((TD))?

Beregond: Yes, we will be having a rally soon where we will be recruiting new members. 

Oneshoe: Plus it is very important that everyone know we’re definitely have absolutely no current plans for orphan testing. On humans. None at all. Any connection between newly-orphaned orphans and RRG(NLR)((TD)) is purely coincidental. 

Beregond: Also, be very careful if you talk to a left righter. They’re cunning and will get you to join their cause without you realising. Not only that but, once a left righter, you will be hurting the right righters’ cause and gerbil kind itself.

How can people help support your cause?

Oneshoe: Holding rallies is a great thing to do – it’s doubled our membership so far! 

Beregond: Other than becoming a member, I find its really helpful for people to knit RRG(NLR(TD)) socks and distribute them to the local gerbils. If you do this, however, they prefer toe socks, not the typical mitten socks. 

Oneshoe: And supporting right-rights can start right at home. Find a gerbil near you and encourage them to take on a greater role in society. Because they’re so oppressed, you might have to do it for them. But once everyone sees how great a job they WOULD’VE done and accepts them, you can shift the power to the right-empowered gerbil. It takes time but it’s the best thing to do!

Character Submissions – Oneshoe’s Letter

Oneshoe the Barbarian is new to town and hoping to join the Ambassadors of Palisade as soon as possible. They had previously informed her she needed more reputation to join them so she began looking for adventures. Following her first epic adventure for the Adventurers Guild (No Qualifications Needed) she mailed in this letter for the Ambassadors’ review….

Dear Ambassadors of Palisade,

I’m writing to let you know progress has been made on my reputation! Last we spoke, you said I lacked a reputation which was needed to be an official ambassador. And that I should… uhh… go get some credibility! Well, actually, you said to get a life. Or something to give my delusional little existence some purpose outside of wasting your valuable time as political authorities.

But I know you meant credibility, so don’t worry! 

I’ve signed up with the adventuring guild No Qualifications Needed and took my first contract. Here’s a few accomplishments from that venture!

We visited a mansion without invitation and rescued an omelet pan. Everyone decided to leave through the window. After I dove through it head first. I didn’t land well but the pan took the brunt of the impact and didn’t dent, so that’s good.

There were guys on the roof who started shooting at us and we made a break for it, ending up in the safe house just fine. Except for those of us who almost died. But they didn’t, so it’s fine!

My fellow guild member and co-president of RRG(NLR)((TD)) got wounded and lost but he showed up eventually. The guards had a great description of us which is funny since it was really dark. They even knew how many nose hairs we had. I didn’t even know that! 

Oh and the lady with the tail was dying so we needed to get her to her temple-church-thingy. We were kinda wanted for theft and murder because the elf shot someone to death with an arrow and I may or may not have tried to also kill people, because of a huge misunderstanding that’s totally unfounded, so we had to get out of the district quietly.
Being wanted isn’t as fun as you’d think! 

Guards everywhere. I asked a gerbil for help but it didn’t want to talk to me. Can you believe that! They’re so oppressed. So we just road a supply wagon through the city and pretended to be carrying special hay for foreign cheese animals. 

The guards let us past. But we never delivered the hay! I just remembered. Oh dear. Well, heads up on the diplomatic incident coming your way! And remember that it’s not my fault because I had to get the contract finished. I can’t possibly stave off cheese crises and deliver a talking pan at once, can I? Is that how you do things in Palisade? Sounds exhausting.

Anyhow, the pan could talk because I remembered that those Kemlek abominations could! We wanted to go back to the guild, but we needed to find out the pan’s origins first. So we were going to ask the pan but it was really unhelpful! 

When one of the guild members tried touching it, she head butted the table really hard. She didn’t seem to have wanted to, so I tried to push the pan away. My head hurt later, so I must have too. 

The pan – named Pan! – was really loud and locked us in a mental space we couldn’t leave until he allowed us. He didn’t like porridge. He wanted an omelet. He wouldn’t tell us anything until he got one. 

I tried to give him ingredients but apparently he didn’t want JUST ingredients. I’m not even sure what ingredients ARE but everyone else did and even THEN he didn’t like them. Because Pan is a deeply unpleasant person. Thing. Abomination. 

We brought Pan with us to the market a second time so he could pick the right ingredients. The halfling kleptomaniac pretended to be really excited about eggs in a basket so we could put them in with Pan for his unattainable approval. 

Pan approved.

On our way back to the temple place thingy, we got jumped by some gang members in blue – which absolutely wouldn’t have happened if the dwarves had been there, but no, they stayed behind because they were easily recognizable and we were wanted criminals. Or something dumb like that. But it’s not surprising. Dwarves suck.

The gang hadn’t jumped us yet, per se. they were just standing there looking mean with tight shirts. And all the citizens ran into their homes or disappeared because people who treat their laundry badly can’t be trusted.
Since the gang leader in blue was going for the lady with the tail, who had Pan, we jumped them right back! You know, just before they could jump us. Which they would’ve done. Yes. 

Since they openly attacked us and we only defended our lives and absolutely nothing else.

One of them threw some nasty smoke which separated us, but we all ran through so it was a stupid idea of them, obviously. I’m sure the smell will wash out. I missed my blind swing when I came out through it and the tail lady lived, so it’s all fine. 

I was kinda set on fire and lost consciousness. The others said we won though! The guy who did the fire-setting ran away which wasn’t very nice because if you’re going to set someone on fire, you should at least stick around! Maybe it’s a Palisade thing. 
At least the other gang members stayed around. We looted them since they were dead or legless… and then dead. 

Some of my best work. The legless part. Not the looting part because I was unconscious due to fire. That should be two reputation points, in my opinion. 

But we were still wanted, so we ducked into hiding in some lady’s shop. I’m fuzzy on the details since I was mostly dead at the time. Don’t worry, the nice lady with the tail fixed me up for the most part and I slept it off! Or was it someone else? I don’t know – tall people all look the same! 

Only, the ingredients we’d spent the entire time gathering were caught on fire. So there was no omelet. But Pan decided to tell us he was 200 years old and had been panning away in that mansion for 27 years! He liked my co-president and decided to offer the info up free of charge. Pans are very wishy washy.
We managed to get away ‘safely’ and then for SOME REASON everyone wanted to keep Pan but the elf lady and me.

I don’t trust Pan. It’s definitely up to something. Of course because it’s made of that defiled ‘magic’ and NOT just because he didn’t like me. Or because he told jokes I didn’t get. Or because everyone wants to listen to his advice. Or because he didn’t like my negotiation ceremony. It’s because he’s definitely a pan devising greater plans! 
I also can’t tell if he’s a him or her or it and that’s strange too. 

We voted and now Pan’s with us, I guess. But he doesn’t get voting rights.

We had to finish the contract but everyone wanted to keep Pan and we’d have to pay a lot to keep him. So we did the best thing and lied. It just took us melding down a Kemlek object and making it look like pan – without the magic. The kleptomaniac halfling and I went and told the person who gave us the contract that the pan was a pan and had been in the mansion for 27 years. He was busy looking at the halflings chest and admiring my way with words and didn’t think twice about it.

We found the real object that the contract entailed us finding and that absolutely wasn’t Pan even though it looked just like him. We turned it over and fulfilled the contract without funny business. 

So now we’re rich, are wanted for theft, arson, and multiple counts of murder – UNLAWFULLY – have a magic pan, and best of all – a boost in reputation! Be sure to make note of that. 

I shouldn’t normally tell you about the whole “lying and breaking contract” thing, since we’d probably be killed if the guild found out. But I know I can trust you guys! And I thought I’d mention it anyways since it shows how good I am with handling dicey diplomatic situations! I didn’t even use my axe. For the lying part.

I hope this letter finds you well! I look forward to joining you all as an official ambassador soon.


Entry 001 – Pan!!! 

December 16th, 2017

The no-qualifiers had signed their contracts stating they had to go and acquire “the kemlek object” from the house of Lord Gist. They broke in, found the object, were spotted by a maid and had to flee, taking several arrows and there was much blood and drama. 

Beregond, the druid, wounded and having to hide, overheard some guardsmen of unknown origin giving out uncannily precise descriptions of the adventurers.

When they reached safety, in the carriage house of a wealthy manor nearby, they regrouped and made a plan for getting past the checkpoint in the inner wall surrounding Old Town. They made it, with Art, the tiefling priest, driving and Oneshoe, the barbarian, doing the talking, the two dwarven twins under tarps and the rest hidden in barrels.

Holing up in the tiefling priest’s temple in the harbour ward, they took a look at the kemlek object they had liberated and had some fun going into drooling comas talking to it. 

The pan identified itself as Pan and was quite talkative once the formalities were over, dreaming of omeletting days gone by and eager to share its wisdom if the no-qualifiers could get it some ingredients to jog its memory. 

Having hunted for ingredients such as swizzard eggs and black spice, and experimented with Pan and its cooking moods, they came to realise there were several things Pan had overheard in the many, many years he’d been in Lord Gist’s house. Some of the most important happenings were:

There was recently a “pulse” that awoke Pan

The dinner 26 years ago featured a spectacular poison that drove the victim mad

On their way out for ingredients, the no qualifiers were attacked by some uncouth ruffians in blue capes, who obviously held this part of town in an iron grip, and ended up having to hide in a store. They had looted a kemlek object from one of the ruffians and it turned out to be a magical carrier pigeon that could send a message. Sending a message to Art’s temple to come pick them up, they escaped the area and had time to rest a bit and talk to Pan (who was very excited). 

The group decided to keep Pan, and had the dwarves make a replacement pan, made from the repurposed kemlek of the magical bird they had looted. 

They turned in the fake pan, were paid, and Sef, their handler at the Guild, suggested taking an assignment outside the city until things cooled off. 

Entry 000 – Before the Adventure Begins

This log will be used to track the epic journeys and tales of the Adventurers Guild and its members. Following every great venture an entry will be made. It may be referenced and viewed by all members and prospective members. The goal is to allow the use of this document so all members can stay informed on the happenings within our organization.